A Muse with a View

I am a registered member of a dating site called OKCupid. One of the unique features of the site is you can write Journal entries, which I occasionally do. I posted the entry below a few days ago and I couldn’t believe how defensive some of the guys got. It was like I had personally attacked their masculinity with my simple tips on how to choose the right main profile photo.

Here’s the post:

Okay guys, listen up. I’m going to let you in on a couple of secrets about what goes through the mind of a woman when she looks at your profile and decides whether or not to read it or click the dreaded Hide button.

You have less than five seconds to catch our interest. This is the order in which most woman I know would notice things in your profile:

1. The first thing we look at is your MAIN photo.

2. The second thing is your screen name. Screen names like “PatheticLonelyGuy” and “Just4Sex” say a lot about who you are, how you feel about yourself, and what you’re looking for.

3. The three adjectives.

4. The first sentence in your profile (if we get that far).

Lesson 1: The Profile Picture

This is all about that very first picture we see. The rest of the photos shouldn’t follow all of these suggestions.

These are the DOs for your MAIN profile photo:

1. Headshot that clearly shows you from the shoulders up.

2. Smiling please. No one wants to date a sour puss.

3. Face the camera. No profiles.

4. Make sure the shot is in focus.

5. Recent photo.

6. Look directly into the camera. I realize I violated this with my original profile shot I had up, but there are exceptions to every rule.

These are the DON’Ts:

1. No hats. We want to see your hair or your chrome dome, as the case may be.

2. No sunglasses. We don’t trust you if we can’t see your eyes. How would you feel if you met a woman for a date and she never took off her sunglasses? Would you trust her.

3. Shot of you from far far away. Save that for the second or third photo.

4. No dead animals land or sea. A shot of you in a fishing hat and sunglasses holding up a dead fish does absolutely nothing to ignite the passions in a woman.

5. No photos of yourself in the bathroom. I take self shots a lot, but you’ll never see a bathroom mirror, shower stall or toilet in the background!

To be cont’d…

I recently had an experience where I met someone online and then a few days later did some cyber sleuthing only to find out the person was not who they really said they were. I felt a little violated, you know like someone had hacked into my OS and planted a Trojan virus. And this is someone I met only once for coffee!

This experience got me thinking, why can’t I run my dating life like I run my servers (computers) at work?

Opening Ports of Communication

A port on a computer is a communication channel that allows devices to talk to each on the same piece of hardware without interfering with each other. Think of it as a phone number. If you publicize that port number anyone can call it.  Don’t publicize your port number unless you’re ready to communicate!

Install Anti-Virus Software

I would never open up a server at work to the outside world without first installing some sort of anti-virus software to protect it. You’ve all heard of computer viruses, those nasty little programs that hackers and spammers secretly install on your poor unsuspecting computer. In the IT world there are anti-virus software programs like McAfee, Norton and Semantic for that.

The anti-virus software in the dating world is called your gut instinct. Just like Norton your gut will raise all kinds of red flags when it senses danger. Would you ignore Norton if it popped up a message that said some malicious piece of code was trying to gain access to your computer? I think not. You would click that Quarantine or Delete button without a second thought.

So, the next time you’re on a date, and that anti-virus gut instinct software starts popping up messages, don’t ignore them! Hit that Delete button and run!

Whitelisting

My production servers at work are locked down tighter than Alcatraz in the 60’s, unless you’re a really good swimmer/hacker. I employ something called whitelisting, which means you can’t talk to my servers unless I know who you are. This is a difficult concept to apply in the dating world, but  it can be done. Before you decide to meet that person on Match.com for a cup of coffee talk to all of your friends who have been active in the online dating world. Ask them if they have come across this person before. The dating pool is small. The likelihood is that someone you know has already met this person for a date, and can give you some very valuable feedback. Positive Feedback=Whitelisting. Proceed with coffee date.

Blacklisting

In the Microsoft world you can blacklist a website by adding it to your hosts file. The hosts file is like a guest list that meaty bouncer outside the coolest club in town has on his clipboard. Not the V.I.P. list, but the OTHER list. You know, the one that lists all the people who have been kicked out of the club at one time or another, and are banned for life. That my friends is the blacklist, and you need one.

While whitelisting is the “known good” list, blacklisting is the “known bad” list. When you log on to Match.com and come across people you work with, add them to your blacklist. Just block them. You know you’ll never date them, and do you really want them perusing your dating profile while they’re deciding whether or not to promote you? And furthermore, blacklist the people you met on Match.com three years ago. The second or third time is not the charm.

Security Certification Process

Many of the clients I work with on a daily basis require my company and my servers to pass a rigorous security clearance. The process involves a lengthy verbal interrogation and a cyber scan of my servers from the outside world to see what they can see. In a word, they are trying to find out that I am safe to communicate with, and that I am who I say I am.

Thanks to the World Wide Web this concept maps very well to the dating world. Most people give you enough information in their dating profile and their initial communications for you to find out more than you ever wanted to know about that person. If all you have is a first name and a city, you may be hard pressed to find any useful information unless the first name is really unique. However, if you have a first name, a city and an occupation you may be in luck. Plug that information into our good friend Google and you’re off and running. You can often find the very pictures they have posted on their dating profile on their business website, which allows you to verify who they are.

If you have an email address or a first and last name and a city, I suggest you get familiar with a site called pipl.com, which takes the information you input and then crawls the Web for you. Pipl.com provides a comprehensive list of all references to that individual anywhere on the Web.

For the serious cyber sleuth I recommend a service called BeenVerified.com, which will give you a 7-day trial if you really need to do a deep dive on someone. This service provides past addresses, name changes, MARITAL STATUS, and criminal records. Don’t ask if you don’t want to know.

Proceed with Caution

People are not as black and white as computers, so even if you employ all of the above methods as you navigate the murky waters of the online dating world, you still need to proceed with caution. Think like an IT manager:

• Don’t open a port of communication unless you’re ready for that person to start calling you and texting you. You can always close a port on a computer when you want to stop communicating. In the dating world it’s called blocking his/her phone number!
• Don’t whitelist someone until you really know them. Whitelisting someone gives them access to things that no one else has access to.
• Do your due diligence, and if you find some compromising information on someone ask them about it before judging them. Not all computer programs are flawless, and not everyone who looks like a criminal online is actually a criminal today.

Go forth young grasshopper, and apply these Dating Ninja skills the next time you decide to try online dating.

In June of 2009, my friend Andrew sent me an email and said, “Hey I got accepted to Ignite Portland!” I had never heard of Ignite Portland, but it sounded interesting.

The premise, if you had five minutes onstage what would you say? And what if you had five minutes and 20 slides that advanced every 15 seconds? And what if you could do it in the Bagdad Theater in front of a full house?

That’s Ignite Portland.

Ignite was started in Seattle in 2006 by Brady Forrest and Bre Pettis. Since then hundreds, if not thousands, of 5-minute talks have been given across the world. There are thriving Ignite communities in Seattle, Portland, Paris, and NYC.

On “Ignite Night,” Andrew lined up at the side of the stage at the Bagdad with the 16 other people who’s proposals had been chosen. and he delivered his do-over of his 1989 commencement speech for his high school in Anchorage, Alaska. It was hysterical, and right then and there I thought, I have to submit a proposal next time. I want to do this!

Andrew and I went out after the show and had a bite to eat. I said, “Andrew, I really want to do this. What topic do I know a lot about that would be entertaining?” Without missing a beat he said, “Dating.”

“Oh my gosh!” I said, “You’re right! I’m a Dating Ninja!” And my proposal idea was born.

This past weekend I got notification that I am one of the 20 proposals they selected to present at Ignite Portland 7 on November 19, at the Bagdad Theater in Portland!

And what’s the name of my proposal? Confessions of a Dating Ninja of course.

When: November 19,2009

Where: Bagdad Theater Portland

Cost: FREE

Time: Doors open at 5:30. Show starts promptly at 7pm.

The event is FREE, but you have to line up early if you want to get a seat. It packs out every time. If you can’t attend in person, don’t worry, all of the presentations are posted online afterwards.

You can see the speaker lineup, and all of the proposals here:

http://www.igniteportland.com/

You can see all of the videos from Ignite Portland 6 (including Andrew’s commencement speech) here:

http://www.youtube.com/view_play_list?p=4D54EAEAFE7F1503

I have included my proposal below as well. You can follow me that night on Twitter at #DatingNinja. Hope to see you at Ignite 7!

Originally published on MySpace on February 21, 2009.

Note: Do NOT get hung up on the term “bitch.” If you can’t get past that term just replace it with “confident” or “self assured.” This is not about the bitches we all know and despise. It’s about the strong confident women we know and admire.

I just finished reading two books by Sherry Argov, “Why Men Love Bitches,” and “Why Men Marry Bitches.”

Before you go all Postal on me let me explain Ms. Argov’s definition of “bitch.”

Ms. Argov interviewed hundreds of men to get the inside scoop on how men think, and from the polls I’ve done on my own, she is spot on with this book.

“Why Men Love Bitches” is a simple, honest look at why Bitches rule and Doormats drool. Most of us don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have an opinion, can’t make a decision, and always says, “Whatever makes YOU happy honey.”

There are 100 “Attraction Principles” in Why Men Love Bitches, and 75 “Relationship Principles” in Why Men Marry Bitches. Let’s look at a few:

Attraction Principle #1
Anything a person chases in life runs away.

Men are natural born hunters. They like to chase and catch their prey. Unfortunately I’m a bit of a hunter myself. I was never that wallflower who sat against the wall in the gym waiting for someone to ask me to dance. So this principle is probably the one I struggle with the most.

Attraction Principle #9
If the choice is between her dignity and having a relationship, the bitch will prioritize her dignity above all else.

I’ll keep my dignity, thank you.

Attraction Principle #30
Any time a woman competes with another woman, she demeans herself.

Been there. Done that. Done.

Attraction Principle #43
If you allow your rhythm to be interrupted, you’ll create a void. Then, to replace what you give up, you’ll start to expect and need more from your partner.

This is aimed directly at those of you who drop your friends and your own interests as soon as you get a relationship. When the relationship ends you feel a huge void because you let go of your own interests to be in the relationship. I learned a long time ago to never ever do this. I have a very full life, with or without a partner.

Attraction Principle #99
Truly powerful people don’t explain why they want respect. They simply don’t engage someone who doesn’t give it to them.

Amen!

While I don’t agree with everything Ms. Argov says in her books, I agree with about 95% of it.

I have recommended these books to all of my girlfriends and some of my guy friends. And let me tell you an interesting little factoid: the strong women love the books, the doormats hate the books. Why? Because they are not ready to face the fact that they are doormats.

So, if you happen to read the books and have a strong negative reaction, take a look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself why.

My friend Jean and I were discussing the books last night and she had an interesting perspective. She said, “These books are not just about how to be in a relationship. These books are about how to carry yourself through life.” So true.

So, if you read these books, read them from the perspective of how you can become that strong confident person you want to be in ALL of the relationships in your life, not just in the romantic relationships.

Bottom Line: Sherry Argov is not telling us anything we don’t know already. She’s just pointing out the obvious: confidence is sexy and attractive, insecurity is not.

http://www.sherryargov.com/

Originally published on MySpace on December 19, 2008.

Is all really fair in love and war?

I got an email from a good friend the other day. I’ll call him Mitch. The email started out on a very positive note. It started out with, Karma is shining her face on me I guess. The subject: Match.com.

But as always, there are interesting twists and turns when you are speaking of the online dating world.

Mitch’s email to me went on to say that he had just been thinking it was time to cancel his Match.com membership and give it all a rest for a while, because he just wasn’t meeting anyone worthwhile. Then he got an email from Cindy. She winked on a Monday morning, and they exchanged a few emails that day. It seemed she liked “nerdy, shy, intelligent types” (Mitch is), they enjoyed traveling to the same places, and even had the same favorite restaurant.

They arranged to meet for dinner on Wednesday. It all seemed too good to be true.

And it was…

He received an email from Cindy late Monday night, after they had traded emails all day and had planned to meet for dinner.

I would love to post the email verbatim here, but I don’t have permission from Mitch to do that. But here’s my version of it (grammatical errors and all!).

Mitch,

Hey, I’m sorry to have to break it to you, but don’t bother going to our
favorite restaurant on Wednesday – I won’t be there. In fact, I was really never planning to be there.

CONFESSION TIME: I put this profile up on Match and started emailing around to get my boyfriend jealous so that he’d get off his duff after 3 years and propose already, and it worked beautifully.

Sorry you got caught in the crossfires, but the emails had to look real. I guess your radar about my profile being to-good-to-be-true, was dead on. But hey, sometimes a gal’s gotta due what a gal’s gotta due.

If it makes you feel any better, you weren’t the only one I was emailing. Just one of the few I didn’t have to stand up. Happy Holidays!

Cindy <– Her real name because she deserves to be publicly flogged!

WTF Cindy? You used my good friend and a few other innocent bystanders to get your boyfriend to propose to you? And he actually walked right into your trap and proposed? Let me tell you something Cindy, people don’t like to be cornered and given ultimatums. Your boyfriend proposed to you under duress because he thought it was the only way he could keep you. Well guess what, if he’s not a dumbass he’ll wake up one day soon and kick you to the curb. Who wants to spend the rest of their life with a manipulative woman who acts like she’s still in high school? Or maybe you’re both dumbasses and you just saved my friend Mitch from a disaster. Good riddance.

The moral of the story? People misrepresent themselves online all the time to get what they want. And they don’t give a shit about you, because you’re just a fictitious persona they came across on Match.com.

P.S. My friend Mitch is not curled up in a fetal position because of this little incident. It’s just one of the many landmines of online dating. He was suspicious from the beginning.

I owe Ms. K a blog from my “Blogging for Dollars” fundraiser. She requested a blog on “Single Life in Portland.” Well if that ain’t a loaded topic!

Of course my mind immediately jumped to the topic of dating, not just being single in Portland. And I am an expert on dating in Portland, not something one usually announces in a public forum like this. But what’s a little girl talk between friends, eh?

Let’s get our terms straight first, shall we?

Single: only one in number; unique; pertaining to the unmarried state.

Bollocks! I am not “only one in number!” I have a load of close friends. “Unique,” absolutely. “Unmarried,” well duh!

Let’s get one thing straight: nowhere in the definition does it say “lonely.” Besides, I have three kids, heaps of friends, and Lili the Wonder Pug, not to mention an entire cabinet full of very good wine.

Dating: a person with whom one has such a social appointment or engagement.

If that’s the definition of dating then I’ve been doing it all my life! Is that really the definition of dating?

Dating: an engagement for an entertainer to perform.

Now that’s more like it! A first date is like an audition. I’m always wondering if I’m going to get a callback.

Online Dating: When I typed in “online dating” at Reference.com, I got the following:

They have no definition of “online dating,” but they sure know how to market it!

If you’ve been a blog reader for a while you know I have tried most every traditional online dating website, as well as some non traditional dating “sites” like Fry’s Home Electronics. One of my work colleagues who is new to the online dating scene recently asked me about my online dating experiences, and I found myself telling horror stories! Don’t we all? But, in reality, I have met some of the most interesting guys (and even one woman, who remains my friend today) on these online sites.

It’s a numbers game. And it takes patience.

(I do have recent horror stories about eHarmony though, and their new “relaxed matching” fiasco. That will be in a blog to follow.)

Portland is a fantastic city to be single in, to be dating in, to be married in. When people come to Portland they always ask me for recommendations of where to go and what to do. I have lived here almost 20 years, and I love to explore every nook and cranny of this city.

When I go out with friends, these are my top picks of places to go (I will add links later when I have time):

I could go on and on. These are just some things I’ve done in the past month. You don’t have to be single to enjoy Portland.

A blog for Jim, who requested the topic of “Emotional Monogamy,” in my Blogging for Dollars (fundraising for Relay for Life) challenge.

When I was 10 years old my mom used to drive my sisters and I up to San Francisco to visit my grandparents. We often drove through the Haight & Ashbury area, and I would press my hands and nose against the car window with wide-eyed wonder and plead, “Please let me get out and walk with them! Please!”

It was 1972.

Then the ’80’s came and the hippies were replaced by Madonna wannabes.

I dressed the part: the torn shirts, wild hair, and dramatic eye makeup, but on the inside I was still thinking about those hippies on Haight & Ashbury. I identified with them and their free loving attitudes, and surmised I had been born 10 years too late.

1980-1984: I attended San Diego State University, the complete antithesis of Haight & Ashbury, and felt like a child looking through the plastic packaging at the land of Barbie and Ken.

When I graduated from college I moved back to the Bay Area and shared a house with three of my high school friends, and we created the closest thing to commune living as you can in the suburbs of sophisticated Saratoga, California. We not only shared a house, but we shared a common belief, that openly loving each other was the only way to live.

I have been married twice since that time in Saratoga, and both times I had no problem being sexually monogamous. However, I constantly struggled with the concept of emotional monogamy, that is, being restricted to only having a deep and meaningful emotional connection with one person at a time. It seemed so unnatural to me. But jealousy rears its ugly head when people are insecure.

I am an openly loving person, and my friendships run deep. I have intense emotional connections with my core group of friends, and I’m not about to give that up. I have an equal number of male and female friends, and each one of them satisfies something in my soul.

So, the real question for me is, is there someone out there who can meet all of my emotional needs? I doubt it. Problem is, that’s what we all expect from our partners. We expect that person to be our everything. It’s unrealistic.

We are a nation of posers if you ask me. Everyone’s trying to give the outward appearance of being monogamous, but statistics say that 80% of those claiming to be sexually and/or emotionally monogamous are actually sneaking around behind their partner’s backs. Why? Because monogamy is a choice not a natural predication.

It is hard to choose emotional monogamy with the Internet at your finger tips 24 hours a day. We exchange emails and text messages like handshakes. The line has been eternally blurred.

We all try so hard to fit into this pre-defined society we live in, and wonder why we fail. The world is changing my friend. Look around you. People are redefining relationships every day.

When I die I want my obituary to say, “She loved.”