Originally published on MySpace on February 4, 2009.

When I think of the past three years of my life, I often think of the saying “when life gives you lemons, make lemonade,” because, frankly, life has given me more than my fair share of lemons, but I have learned how to make lemon drops!

Those of you who know me well in real life have heard me say that I have felt like I was rowing a tanker with a toothpick for the past few years. I knew I had to keep rowing even though I felt like the tanker was going nowhere. If I stopped rowing I would sink. So row I did.

Slowly I started noticing progress, but I had so many miles to go. The journey was costly, frustrating, tiring, and full of some of the most difficult challenges I have ever faced in my life. As Mike often said, “Kelly, your life is like an Elmore Leonard novel.” And it was.

I stopped journaling at home, and I didn’t blog about my challenges. Why? Because I didn’t want to give the negativity any more power than it already had. I felt that spending time writing things down would keep me from the task at hand: rowing that tanker with a toothpick.

But I want to tell you something. You have to keep rowing, and you have to believe you are moving forward even when it doesn’t feel like you’re making any progress.

I am so close to the end of this journey. I can see the port in the distance. Somehow I survived some life experiences that would have crushed most people. My friends often tell me they can’t believe how strong I am, how I persevere, and how I somehow remain optimistic.

I am an over achiever and very competitive with myself. No? Really? Failure is not an option when so much life is at stake.

Somehow I feel like a superhero who has spent the last three years in some alternate universe slaying dragons, demons, and all of her arch nemeses. I’ve been battered and battle weary, but I came out a stronger, more confident person.

The obstacles, the economy, and my recent breakup forced me to change my perspective on almost everything in my life. You appreciate life so much more when you’ve been down to the very bottom and had to fight your way back up to the light. You really do.

So, what’s next? I’m going to continue writing technical documentation for a living until I get my dream company off the ground. Huh? What dream company? I can’t tell you yet, but when I do tell you you’ll say, “Yes! That’s exactly what you should have been doing all along!”

P.S. You have to read “Why Men Love Bitches.” Made me laugh out loud when I wanted to cry. I just ordered Sherry Argov’s second book, “Why Men Marry Bitches,” which I hear is equally entertaining.

P.P.S. Ms. Argov defines a bitch as a woman who is strong, confident, and can hold her own in a relationship. Not the ‘bitch” you’re thinking about.

Originally published on MySpace on January 29, 2009.

I know, I know, I have been such a MySpace slacker!

You guys all know that I don’t blog about my personal life that much, so you only see a small slice of my life through this blog. There are many reasons I haven’t been blogging lately, and these are just a few:

* I was fed up with MySpace and the broken blog indexing. I can’t find anything!

* I have had a few gnarly technical writing jobs where I’m writing for eight or nine hours a day, and the last thing I want to do when I get home is get on the computer and write a blog.

* Then I was unemployed and couldn’t get unemployment because I’m self employed. Yeah, good one.

* I was dealing with a court battle (thank goodness that’s over with).

* I was dealing with some medical issues (all good now).

* I was going through a long, painful break up with someone I love very much. We still love each other, but relationships are all about timing, and the timing for us was just plain awful.

* I’m in the middle of a real estate deal that has taken almost a year to complete, and it’s almost done!

I was in a very dark place for a while when all of this was happening, but I am a survivor. I am an eternal optimist, and karma will smile on me.

No one likes to read depressing blogs, so I just decided to take some space and deal with myself in private for a while.

So, if I still have any readers left, please say hi!

I want to thank all of you who donated to my Relay for Life cause this year and last. If you don’t know my story you can read it here:

I am a Survivor

I’m a little more than halfway to my goal of $1000. I raised $5000 last year. If you donate $10 or more I’ll write a blog for you, topic of your choice.

Blogging for Dollars

The theme this year was: There’s No Place Like Hope.

A young girl who belted out “Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

A field of dreams.

The track lined with “Luminaria” bags that had candles burning in them all night long. The wind was high so we had a few that actually blew over and burned up.

The good news: children who kicked cancer’s ass. The bad news: there were an equal number of bags for children who didn’t.

My favorite booth. They were dressed like pirates. I bought a button that says “cancer sucks.”

I am a survivor!

8:00am: Campsite set-up begins, teams will be assigned specific times to come.

9:30am: Survivor tent opens

9:45am: Campsites are complete

10:00am: Opening ceremonies

10:00am: Luminaria tent opens

10:15am: Survivor lap/caregiver lap

10:15am: Campsite judging

11:00am: Silent auction begins- Credit cards are accepted

12:00pm: Live auction begins

1:30-3:00pm Silent auction tables close

5:00pm: Lions Club BBQ Dinner for $5.00 (Cash Only)

9:45pm: Luminaria Ceremony Begins

11:00-12:00pm: Late night pizza and ice cream

Saturday, July 13th

7:00am: Bodyyoga Class

8:00am: Boot Camp with Shannon

9:30am: Closing Ceremony and Tribute Balloon Release

10:00am: Clean-up and Pack-up

So, my friend Debbie calls me up and says, “Your picture is in the Lake Oswego Review .” Anyone who has ever seen the Lake Oswego Review knows this can be a very bad thing. There’s a little section we refer to as the “Police Blotter.” Don’t ever get caught doing anything in Lake Oswego, because you WILL be publicly humiliated in that section of the paper.

I actually wondered what I had done that would get me in the blotter! Gasp!

Then Debbie said, “There’s a picture of you and my mom in the Relay for Life advertisement.”

Okay, that’s interesting, because I don’t remember a professional photographer taking my picture last year, but okay.

Then she calls me the next day and says, “You’re on the wall at Starbucks and Jamba Juice.”

The posters are everywhere.

I had not planned to do the Relay for Life (American Cancer Society) this year, because it was just too emotional for me last year. My friends, my family, and you all (my blog readers) donated enough money to my fund raising efforts to make me the 1 fund raiser on my team, and I think the 3 fund raiser in Lake Oswego.

I have been told that it would be really bad form if I didn’t show up this year since my face is on the poster! I had planned on coming by and bringing people coffee in the morning (it’s a 24-hour event), but I hadn’t planned on trying to raise money or walk the Survivor Lap.

However, I have now registered to walk the Survivor Lap, and I do have a page on the website: http://main.acsevents.org/goto/kjhorton

Donate if you like. Come walk a lap with me if you like. It’s a good cause.

Murphy’s Law states that if anything can go wrong it will. Now I’m not saying that everything went wrong in the past week, but I’m saying that Murphy was certainly following me around for a while!

Last Thursday, Friday and Saturday it was pretty hot here in Portland, especially for this time of year. It was upwards of 95 all three days, and I was loving it until…

My automatic sprinkler system quit. I knew the heat was coming, so I asked my gardener (way ahead of time) to come open the valves, flip the switches, and whatever else it is he does. He sent one of his guys to do it, but he didn’t test it before he left. When the heat came I was out front watering with buckets because the sprinklers wouldn’t come on!

My sprinklers finally got fixed on Monday (clogged valves and leaks), just in time for the rain! I woke up Tuesday morning, looked out my bedroom window at the rain, and noticed my sprinklers were on. Great timing.

Saturday was my daughter’s 10^th birthday party. I was at the Oaks Park roller rink with 12 kids, in 95-degree heat, and no air conditioning. We skated in that sweat box for three hours. Every time you stopped you just started dripping, so everyone just kept going until it was time to leave. (Oh, and I ran seven miles earlier in the day, because I didn’t realize I’d be skating in a sauna all afternoon! DOH!)

Oh, I discovered last Saturday (AFTER we got back from roller skating in the 95-degree heat) that my ice maker was not making ice. Of course I discovered this right before dinner when I had five tired sweaty little girls begging me for ice water. I tried the usual technique of chipping away little bits of ice that had built up on the tray, but no luck. My friend Leslie ended up bringing over a bag of ice that night.

I finally unclogged the ice maker (with the heat from a hair dryer) on Sunday, when it was a mere 60 degrees.

Let’s see, what else…

I had a really big audition today, and when I say big I mean big name product and a $5000 pay day. I ventured out at lunch to grab a salad and it started raining. Of course I was no where near an awning at the time, so my lovely curls lost their will to live by the time I got back to the office, and I went to my audition this afternoon with flat hair. C’est la vie.

But the good news is the company I work for moved into these bitchin’ new digs downtown. We’re in this old refurbished building, hardwood floors, high ceilings, red brick walls, lots of windows and skylights. It’s like working in a cool loft somewhere. I love it! I feel like I’m working in some über cool ad agency in New York or something.

My cubicle in the foreground

The view from my cubicle (that’s the CEO’s cubicle in the foreground but he’s always traveling)

The grafitti I look at when I’m sitting in my cubicle (There was a company that made basketball shoes in this space before us). the cool wall art is everywhere.

Did Murphy visit you this week?

Technorati Tags: Murphy’s Law, Über

Originally posted on MySpace on April 14, 2008.

I went out for a much-needed night with “the girls” on Saturday night. I put “the girls” in quotes because there were actually two guys who ended up tagging along as well, and we made them honorary girlfriends for the evening. Note: I rarely go out to bars with just women. I usually take at least one “Honorary Girlfriend” (a guy friend) along to balance out the Estrogen factor, and to protect us from the pickup artists.

The Posse:

The Muse

The Janet

The Debbie

Glitter Boy (a.k.a. John)

The Patrón Peddler (that’s Patrón as in the tequila, a.k.a. Steve)

The Plan:

Head to Comedy Sportz for a night of improv comedy, and wing it from there.

The evening started out at Janet’s house with four women enjoying their glasses of wine in Janet’s home office, while checking out the men in her Inbox on one of the dating websites. The Janet was still in her robe, complaining that it was too hot to get dressed just yet (Note: it was only 75 degrees, but that’s a heat wave for us this time of year).

Janet finally got dressed, and we hit the road for Comedy Sportz in NW Portland. The Patrón Peddler pulled up at about the same time as us and asked us if we’d like to step up to the bar for a shot of, what else, Patrón tequila (hence the nickname). Let’s call him PP for short. I’m tired of typing Patrón Peddler. The PP had just gotten back from a few weeks in Mexico, where he had leased a piece of beachfront property, so he was very much in fiesta mode.

I introduced the PP to The Janet and The Debbie, and Janet gave him a great piece of advice. She said, “You can’t just introduce yourself as Steve. When you meet a woman you have to say, hi my name is Steve and I own beachfront property in Mexico.” Yes, she was joking but I thought it was pretty funny.

The PP whipped out the Patrón, some salt and some plastic cups. “Hey, where’s the lime?” Janet said.

“Wait!” said the PP, “I have an orange. We’ll improvise.”

Janet’s phone rings… “Hey where are you?” she says to Glitter Boy just as we see his shadowy figure approaching the makeshift bar on Kearney. We all start waving frantically to the man in the shadows who is approaching with trepidation.

“Welcome,” says the PP. “Step up to the bar.”

Introductions all around. This is Glitter Boy, also known as John, blah blah blah.

“Come on, let’s go inside! The show’s about to start,” I say.

We go inside, I give hugs all around (because I used to perform there and I haven’t seen these people in a while), and we take our places in the third row.

We are determined to have a good time!

The show starts, and you can tell in the first five minutes that our row will be the loudest, most raucous in the entire place.

And it starts with me. The referee asks for a European accent for the game of Replay, and I yell, “Dutch!” I get the stink eye from the team that has to play their scene in Dutch, but I know they’ll have fun with it, because no one knows what the heck a Dutch accent sounds like. They usually get French or British. No! I want to see Dutch! And it was one of the funniest scenes all night. The final scene was a pile up of three suggestions: Dutch accent, Horror genre and hysteria. Fantastic.

Then came the game of Pick up Lines (or something) and Janet volunteers to be the victim. She sits on a stool while the two teams vie for her votes with their lousy pickup lines.

And then there was the call for, “I need the name of your favorite movie within the last year,” to which Debbie replied, “Because I Said So!” WTF? Debbie , did you really just admit that in public?

But wait there’s more…

A game of Four Corners, and they need another volunteer. I am telling The PP to get up and do it, when the ref looks at me and says, “We have a rule here at Comedy Sportz. When you volunteer your friends you volunteer yourself.” DOH! I know that rule.

So, up I go up on stage to play the game of Four Corners (a.k.a. Four Square). This is a game where you play 15-second scenes with one other person and keep rotating. My two suggestions were The ’80’s and finger painting. I had so much fun with that. I miss improv!

I know you’re wondering, Kelly, why is this blog called “I have a lot of Johns in My Cell Phone?” I’m getting there!

We left Comedy Sportz after busting a gut for an hour and a half, and headed down to Bay 13 in the Pearl District. We were hanging out having a drink when Glitter Boy (John) asks to see my BlackBerry. “You have a lot of Johns in your phone. If I put my number in here how will you know it’s me?”

I take the phone back and go down the list, “This John directed the only horror film I ever did. This is my friend John in Austin. This is my friend John B. at Comedy Sportz. This is my friend John R. at Comedy Sportz. This John is my C.P.A. This Jon is a local TV show host. This John was my high school Lit teacher, who lives on Bainbridge Island now. I can’t help it! I just know a lot of Johns. Just put yourself in there as Glitter Boy,” I said.

I was the designated driver and the tour guide for the evening, so I said “Drink up posse. We’re heading for some great people watching. Would you like to go watch Cougars in the wild at Blue Hour, or would you like to go to the place where I once saw two girls making out on a couch?”

It was a close call, but the couch scene won out over Blue Hour and Cougars.

I know all of you locals are dying to know where the couch incident took place, and it was… District! I was there one night with a group of friends, seated in a cozy alcove in the front window where there are a couple of velvet couches and some plush stools to sit on.

We were minding our own business when these two women across from us started making out, while the young guy sitting between them tried to figure out if this little spectacle was real or imagined. And people on the sidewalk outside were stopping to stare through the window while this is happening! That guy is probably still telling that story to his friends.

So, we all went to District, and as luck would have it, the alcove seating was open. “I’m telling you,” I said to my friends, “That’s where it all happened. Just watch that spot. It’s like a vortex of bad-boy and bad-girl behavior.”

Sure enough, in walks a couple and they sit on the famed red couch. Not five minutes pass before they are standing up, a foot from the back of my head, doing some dirty dancing.

“See,” I say to the posse. “I told you so.”

Okay, so we didn’t see anything really out of the ordinary, but I’m telling you, the devil is in that couch!

I did, however, find the remnants of what looked like a birthday party and used the little box I found to explain the famed Justin Timberlake video to my friends who had never seen it!

At about 1am I had had enough of the loud music and people watching, and signaled the posse that it was time for the designated driver to get some sleep. We all stumbled (not me, I was sober) back to our respective cars and said our goodbyes.

Booyah!

Verve, ‘weird perspective’ makes blogger’s site a hit

Kelly Jo Horton is one of the most popular writers you’ve never heard of.

She’s always written; she says she’s “driven to write.” Poems. Essays. Notes. Journal entries.

But last August something changed. Oh, Kelly Jo is still writing. But now people all over the world are reading about her best dates and favorite bands, the day she met Billy Bob Thornton, her frustrations and joys as a parent, even the conversation she had with a college student she met in an aisle at Target.

Kelly Jo has become a blogger, and in the world of Web logs, she’s becoming a star. Her blog is published on MySpace.com (http://blog.myspace.com/kellyjo2), the wildly popular networking Web site with 41 million users, more page views than Google and more members than America Online.

In the few months since she started uploading onto her blog a daily tossed salad of opinions, photos and observations, the number of people reading and responding to her blog has skyrocketed.

She can’t compete with rock bands and celebrities, who collect “friends” on the site that can number in the hundreds of thousands. But “when you divide the bloggers into categories,” she says, “I’m in the top five almost every day” in categories such as “poetry and writing,” “life, work and careers,” “romance and relationships.”

Kelly Jo talks about it all on her blog: facing a cancer diagnosis, kids cheating at Uno, giving pot roasts as Christmas gifts, how to control sibling rivalry (she keeps her videocamera in the kitchen and records her kids’ fights), rock concert etiquette, grammatical errors and the gross birthday cake she made for her delighted teenage son. (He has a blog, too. Kelly Jo reads it regularly. She wishes more parents kept track of what their teens are writing online.)

She also writes about her acting jobs. In fact, her blog already has led to parts in independent films and a hosting job on a cable-access show called “To the Point.”

“The producer of the show found me on MySpace and hired me,” Kelly Jo says. She gets no pay. “It’s cable. But I get exposure. I get experience.”

The 42-year-old divorced mother of three, who lives in the Portland area, has a day job as a software support engineer. “But in every other spare moment I have, I’m acting or writing or doing improv” or being Mom. “I have one job that pays the bills and one that feeds my soul, is basically what it is.” (Full disclosure: Kelly Jo and I do improv at ComedySportz in Portland.)

Kelly avoids politics, but anything else is fair game. “The thing I enjoy most is posting subjects that get people wound up . . . when I post my perspective and I get other people’s perspectives.” She also poses questions: What should she get her father for his birthday? Why is marriage so hard?

She says she hasn’t received much hate mail. “I’ve got people who like to stir things up sometimes.” But Kelly Jo gets to edit the comments that are shown on her blog site. “If they’re personally attacking anyone else, I won’t publish it. I make them play fair.

“The worst things I get are e-mails from tons of young guys. It’s all about, ‘I like older women. Do you like younger guys?’ ”

She doesn’t respond, and she makes it clear on her MySpace home page that she’s not blogging to meet men or collect “friends” on the site. She’s selective: She’ll only let you be a “friend” if you e-mail her (”I prefer e-mails that contain complete sentences”). She then checks out your own blog to see if you have things in common. “I’m not on there to collect strangers,” she says. “I’m there to meet interesting people, and I have.”

Half her readers are men and half women, which shows both sexes appreciate Kelly Jo’s eclectic subjects and her candor. Sometimes her blog is raw. Sometimes it’s utterly sentimental.

“People tell me sometimes, ‘Your blogs are so interesting. Nothing ever happens in my life.’ I say, ‘You know, I could go to Starbucks for 10 minutes and find something to write about. It’s not that my life is interesting — it’s that I pay attention to what’s going on around me. Plenty of my blogs are about absolutely nothing, just my weird perspective on life.”

That perspective has attracted celebrity fans (they use fake names and pictures on MySpace, but they tell Kelly Jo who they really are) and new personal friends from all over the world who e-mail Kelly Jo regularly.

“One of my friends calls it the ‘coffee shop of the millennium,’ ” she says. “It’s like the old water cooler.” It’s addictive, writing and reading responses and responding to those.

In five months. her blog entries have prompted readers to get checked for cancer, listen to new bands, volunteer at the Oregon Food Bank, worry that she’s lonely.

She’s not lonely. She has a large circle of friends outside the Internet, she says. “This just allows me to have a social life on the nights or days when I have my kids and I can’t go out.”

Whether she’s discussing physics, almost missing a plane flight or smelling Ken dolls in Toys R Us, Kelly Jo Horton, single Portland mom, is sharing her sparking brain on the Internet every day, and the world is reading.

“I just love taking the most mundane things and making them interesting,” she says. “I feel better when I’m done.”